I DO NOT NEED A RING.

There is a time in everyone woman life where she wants to be Cinderella, Sleeping beauty, Snow White, any other princess who gets married. To find a price charming to recuse her, and with happily ever after.

Well, I will say yes. I’m not going to lie. I have thought about it more then once. The family, the fairytale, the hope to find “my true love!” To marry and start a family. Well, by all means I done that wrong. Single mother of two boys, been engaged twice. NEVER married. I will say this now though. I’m glad, I didn’t marry. I don’t the ring. NEVER tied the knot. It was a journey though.

I learned at a young age that I am not Cinderella. Or Barbie. With the pink house. I was more like Wednesday.

I have been in love, but I didn’t get love back. I’ve been broken and beat to the ground. I overcame a lot of struggle to get where I am today. I froze hell over. I’m letting go of what I need to now. There is no poor me. I’m stronger now then what I was before.

I do not want a ring. Everyone couple wants a ring. Marriage maybe someday. Maybe not. I can’t tell the future.

What I know I did not know what love was. The codependency, the alcohol, the anxiety, stress, the closed fits, the lies, the threatened relationship, where you doubt yourself. Second guess everything. Where you drive yourself crazy thinking I’m the fucked up one I didn’t know what Love was.

I’m sharing cause my story might help someone. Here’s to 1 years and 6 months and 6 days sober.

Growing up I didn’t have the best childhood, people made choices that that affected me, As a young adult I made choices that I am not proud of, at time I disappeared, I choose to drink. Happy, sad, pissed off that my so called “family” was a mess that I was broken.. The one thing I learned no matter what to respect, to have morals and to treat everyone the way you want to be treated. My grandparents showed me that. They did a lot to make me successful, and respect elders, have Patience and show love and set boundaries, morals. They showed me not everyone is going to me looking out for your best interest. But don’t shy away. As long as you tried. Not everyone will respect you, not everyone will love you. But you can’t except them to if they don’t love themselves.

I do not need a ring.

Dad taught me you have to work for what you want.

My mom raised us kids and she tried very hard to raise us the best way she could.

Yes it didn’t always happen that way. I was taking advantage of a lot in friendships and relationships. I lost my worth and it took me fucken forever to gain it back. To figure out I was good enough to be loved. Whatever happens to me in the past isn’t the person who I am today.

I do not need a ring.

And I have two children that I would die for. I will show them how to respect and have morals, as hard as this sounds… I WANT THEM TO LEARN TO RESPECT OTHERS, TO RESPECT ME, TO BE BETTER THEN I WAS, TO BE BETTER THEN THE ONES I CHOSE TO HAVE THEM WITH. AND TO LOVE AND UNDERSTAND, and it’s damn hard. So that they can set their worth higher. Then the fight I had to do to gain it back, to make the right choices, I should have made, but my past choices is why I’m stronger. And show them all the love you can. So they will know love!

I do not need a ring.

I might not be the best parent, partner, Daughter or granddaughter or friend. HELL IF I DIDNT TRY.

all means some of my relationships ended bad… really bad but I got back up like I have always done. STRONGER, RESPECTFUL, HONEST, AND WORTHY OF LOVE! And I took the time I needed to heal. To prove I’m beautiful. And now that trust myself again. To be in a relationship, is healing what I couldn’t do alone. And I’m very thankful.

I didn’t know what Love was. Until my children, But I know what Love isn’t! And I’m truly thankful for that.

I DO NOT NEED A RING… What I do want is… I respect, love, honestly, connection! I need to healing myself, I want to grow, I want him to help open my eyes and help me grow as a human being, a women.

In the end if you work harder, your outcome will be blessed. The universe will give you yours. And build you stronger. So when the day that person comes into your life you will appreciate them, they will appreciate you and love them just as much as they love you. When you connect with the person. It’s electrifying, the weight you’ve been holding will drop when you look into the eyes. You will know and see it’s beautiful, and safe, and unique! When they’re your best friend, and you can communicate with them, where they don’t judge you but help you grow as a person. And cherish you and don’t care about the burdens you left with. To lead you into the light. And guide you to improve yourself,And be positive, and honest, and care about you. so you plant the seed grow as a couple..

I do not need a ring to help say I love you. It’s a plus. But to find a connection so divine, it so much better then a ring.

ESSENTIAL OILS FOR MOSQUITO REPELLENT – PLUS DIY BUG SPRAY RECIPES

ESSENTIAL OILS FOR MOSQUITO REPELLENT – PLUS DIY BUG SPRAY RECIPES

It is no secret that essential oils offer a lot of benefits, from treating scrapes and wounds to being an active ingredient in many beauty products.

However, not many people know that some essential oils have natural abilities to repel insects, like mosquitoes, spiders, and other insects. Gently, yet effectively, oils used in aromatherapy act as barriers for those pesky little bugs.

Essential oil insect repellent is a timely solution, then, as people have been hunting for natural bug repellents which don’t have any side effects. There are a couple of widely-used types of pure mosquito repellents, but several experts suggest that using essential oils based sprays as mosquito repellent is preferable compared to using commercially-endorsed brands. Not only is it cheaper, but you can tailor-make a bug spray to your exact needs and desires.

This post contains affiliate links, which means if you make a purchase through these links, I may receive a small commission at no extra cost to you. Read my full disclosure policy here.

🌱 essential oils as mosquito repellent

The most frequent all-natural mosquito repellent is the type that is made at home and composed of various essential oils, plus a base of witch hazel, vegetable glycerin and/or liquid vitamin E. You’ll find recipes further into this article.

Or purchased Pre made at our shop!!

Etsy.me/300shJH

To start, I would really like to explain and highlight why essential oils are a great choice for a mosquito repellent, what risks you carry by using chemical products and sprays, and the health benefits you can reap by switching to an all-natural essential oils based spray.

🌱🌱WHY USE NATURAL ESSENTIAL OILS FOR MOSQUITO REPELLENT🌱🌱

The human skin is a protective layer that stops infections and inflammations to cause internal complications directly. Proper care and attention should be given to promote healthy skin.

🌱🌱Essential Oils

Using products with synthetic chemicals as mosquito repellent may not be the best move if you want to protect your skin from any potential hazard. Using a natural repellent, such as essential oils, is a much safer method to repel insect bites without harmful side effects.

🚫Synthetic insect repellent products are more convenient, not to mention that they are readily available in all leading drugstores.

🌱However, natural essential oils offer a lot of health benefits while keeping the nasty insect bites at bay.

HEALTH BENEFITS OF ESSENTIAL OILS AS A MOSQUITO REPELLENT

no deet natural bug spray!!

What makes essential oils a top choice when it comes to keeping insect bites away is the fact that they have fewer side effects. Unlike most traditional mosquito repellent products which contain N, N-Diethyl-3methylbenzamide or commonly known as DEET, essential oils are more natural and do not contain such chemicals.

🚫DEET is the active ingredient that is responsible for protecting your skin against insect bites. The downside is that it may negatively react to the other chemicals, which can make it more toxic. Also, excessive use of DEET is dangerous as it can harm the central nervous system of the human body. It is recommended to use products without DEET.

When it comes to the concern of skin sensitivity, essential oil users have nothing to worry about. Essential oils are free from harmful chemicals that can potentially cause skin allergies and other skin diseases. Essential oils do not contain parabens and petroleum, which usually irritate sensitive skin.

While there are a number of DEET-free repellents out there, they are still not as natural as using a DIY essential oil bug spray that you can easily make at home.

Even DEET-free insect repellents consist of some toxins that are damaging for human consumption. They also frequently have to get used more liberally if you want to make sure you’re utilizing the correct amount for them to be effective.

I’m just not a fan of spraying chemicals onto my skin, so I vote for natural essential oils mosquito repellent every time.

Using a home made solution, I also know exactly what’s in it, and I don’t mind spraying and re-applying it as needed throughout the day.

10 ESSENTIAL OILS THAT NATURALLY REPEL MOSQUITO BITES

If you are the type of person who loves to spend more time outdoor but are anxious about insect bites, then worry no more!

The following ten essential oils are just what you need to protect your skin from awful insect bites while giving you other health benefits. Some of the oils you might already know from different uses around the house. But please familiarize yourself with these 10 oils again as you’ll be using them to make your DIY bug spray at home:

🌱Lavender (Lavandula Angustifolia) Lavender is best known for its positive effects in terms of relaxation and sleep, but what many people don’t know is that it is also an effective essential oil for bug bites and mosquito bites. Moreover, the distinct lavender scent can also be used as an alternative of mothballs to keep moths and other insects away. You can also spray the lavender oil to cleanse bruises, cuts, and wounds, as well as treat skin irritations. Out of all the essential oils, lavender is considered to be the most versatile oil as it offers a lot of other benefits

🌱Peppermint (Mentha Piperita) If you are worried about essential oils having strong smells, then you ought to try the peppermint oil instead. You can use this essential oil as an insect repellent while leaving your skin a minty and clean smell. Peppermint has a natural insect repellent property and the ability to relieve indigestion.

Other benefits of peppermint oil include relief from colds and cough, headache, and sore muscles. It also improves your mental alertness while helping you feel less anxious and less stressed.

🌱Basil (Ocimum Basilicum) Basil is not just a great addition to your mouth-watering recipes, but it is also a proven natural insect repellent. One study revealed that basil contains high levels of larvicide. It is a type of insecticide which specifically targets the larvae stage of insects. This sweet and spicy smelling oil is commonly used in battling against mosquito bites

🌱Pine (Pinus Slvestris) Are you obsessed with the distinct smell of pine? Then pine oil is the perfect match for you. Apparently, a group of scientists discovered the repellent effect of pine oils, especially against mosquito bites. Like other essential oils, pine oil is also proven to be more effective as compared to using the synthetic chemical repellents.

🌱Lemon Eucalyptus (Eucalyptus Citriodora) This lemon-scented gum tree is a favorite insect repellent. The lemon eucalyptus’ oil, which is extracted from the leaves, is one example of prominent essential oils for mosquito bites. It also effectively protects the skin from tick bites and can last up to several hours.

🌱Vetiver (Vetiveria Zizanoides) This perennial grass is abundant in India and Indonesia. While it is commonly known as an excellent source of industrial materials, Vetiver surprisingly has a lot more to offer. Aside from being used as a primary material in making baskets and mats, it is also used as a natural mosquito repellent. The woody and earthy smell of the oil can also effectively calm and relieve stress.

🌱Tea Tree (Melaleuca Alternifolia) Tea tree extract is popular in the beauty industry as an antibacterial active ingredient to treat pimples and acne, but it does not stop there. Tea tree oil not only has an antifungal ability, but it can also protect and soothe painful bites from mosquitoes and bugs.

🌱Lemongrass (Cymbopogon Citratus) The effectiveness of lemongrass as a mosquito repellent has been the subject of a lot of studies recently. It is because the lemongrass is highly associated to C. Nardus wherein the citronella mosquito repellent was derived. True enough, lemongrass oil also contains insecticidal properties that repel mosquitoes and other insects. If you don’t already have lemongrass in your medicine cabinet for other reasons (such as home cleaning)

🌱Thyme (Thymus Vulgaris) Mosquito bites can be irritating, especially if they keep on coming back, hoping to get a good taste of your skin. If you are looking for an efficient repellent to reduce mosquito activity but want it to be natural and safe, then Thyme oil is an excellent choice. A group of researchers in Ontario found that applying thyme oil on your skin discourages the mosquitoes from sticking around.

🌱Catnip (Nepeta Cataria) While catnip is popularly used for commercial purposes and is something very addicting for cats, this perennial herb has proven to offer more than just house adornment and fresh minty smell. Catnip is also an excellent repellent for insects like mosquitoes and cockroaches. Up to this day, several studies have been conducted to unveil the mystery behind catnip’s repellent property. However, even though no concrete explanation has been released yet, some researchers can’t deny catnip essential oil’s impressive insect repellent property. Chris Peterson, an entomologist from Iowa State University, said that it is possible that catnip might merely act as an irritant or mosquitoes simply don’t like the smell, but catnip essential oil has an undeniable repellent ability that keeps the mosquitoes away.

ESSENTIAL OIL BLENDS FOR BUG BITES

Pre Made at the shop!!

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🌱🌱HOW TO MAKE A MOSQUITO BUG SPRAY WITH ESSENTIAL OILS AT HOME🌱🌱

Using a combination of the oils listed above (or what you have at home already), get the following supplies to make your own bug spray at home:

Fill a 1 oz (30 ml) amber spray bottle 1/2 full with distilled or boiled water. An amber bottle vs. a regular plastic one is much better for use with essential oils as it keeps your essential oils safe by protecting them from UV light. Plus, the glass is not affected by strong oils like citrus, whereas plastic reacts to citrus oils and it is not recommended to use citrus oils together with plastics.

Add witch hazel to fill almost to the top.

Add 1/2 tsp vegetable glycerin or water.

Add 30-50 drops of the essential oils listed above to achieve your desired scent.

The more oils you use, the stronger your bug spray will be. Essential oil diy bug spray recipe.

Use your homemade essential oil bug spray as needed throughout the day. Tweak your mosquito repellent’s scent by playing with different combinations of essential oils – starting with something where you already have the oils at home. That’s always the most economical. Then order one or two additional oils to add to your stock and start making different blends.

For your inspiration, here are bug spray essential oil blends that I’ve mixed and liked: again available at the shop.

10 drops of Lemongrass + 5 drops Tea Tree + 5 drops of Basil + 25 drops of Lavender + 25 drops of Peppermint + 10 drops of Eucalyptus + 10 drops of Basil!!!

“Mother’s Perfect Miracle” a story of ADHD.

As I sit here and look at the pictures of my son. When he was born, till 5 when I knew he was different. I ask myself, how do I do this. Was it me? Was it his dad? Am I raising him right? How can he do this? Don’t kick! Don’t push! Don’t throw things. When I should say, it’s ok you don’t know. I’m not saying I’m a push over, I’m not. I have a whole other way to do things now.

It took me a really long time to say this, he is not a diagnosis, he is my sweet boy, funny boy, handsome boy who helps out a lot. He’s strong full of courage, he wants to be a “army police officer.” Coming from his mouth. He isn’t bad, difficult, he just needs more attention. He isn’t a bully, he doesn’t know how to respond to his feelings, he isn’t sad, he might be frustrated. He doesn’t mean to hurt other people, he has impulse issues. I wish I knew, what I know now. When I thought I lost all control of my son. Seems the bad outweighed the good, before I knew. I know your head is full of anger, your heart is filled with pain, you know why. Cause you can’t control your mind. I’m fighting everyday with you to understand how this works, doing research, reading books trying to help out as much as I can. I know sometimes I’m not patient. Sometimes I get mad. But your not the issue and it’s hard to cope with this, when I had no knowledge about it. Dealing with this on my own. I know you and I know how far you come. To feel that loneliness and the tears that were shed, The Times I locked myself in the bathroom and just cried. Why cause you don’t know your feelings, the frustration in your eyes. “You’re mind is a bag of marbles, and you keep trying to pick them up, but you keep dropping them.” To them they see this naughty boy, and see a pain you might be. They don’t know your living with ADHD. The times you kicked me, the times you threw things, the times you didn’t know you did anything. “Why did you do that?” I don’t know, mom. The time you cried cause you hurt someone. They don’t know you didn’t mean to. The time where you just need to be held when you had your melt downs. No one know but me. The times you broke something cause you had so much energy. And you didn’t know what to do. It’s okay.

In the mornings you “hate me.” Cause I’m getting you dressed. It’s ok.

In the morning your so “picky” cause you don’t know if you want cereal or waffles. It takes 45min to finish your plate. It’s ok.

We get up at 630am to get you ready by 8. Everyday. If I change the routine, your confused and you don’t know what to do. It’s ok.

Make lunch, do homework which takes forever, cause you just want to play. Coming and going Stimulate your brain. Every 5 minutes we need to do something different. Then come back. Your mind is racing. I need to remind myself, it’s ok.

Dinner time, bath. Reading when you have so many stories inside your head. Or when you can’t even sit still to read one sentence. It’s ok.

We lay down and we cuddle it’s getting late. Your arms fly everywhere. I hold your hand and you fall asleep. It’s ok.

You hate I have rules but the rules are there to keep you sane. Cause I don’t know what it’s like to have ADHD. The research they do, are only half. It’s ok.

Whatever you say, whatever you do I will always love you.

I will never understand the way you think. But I can try again and again and never understand.

I want to make it better, I call to my higher power to help. I look at you knowing now what I didn’t know. All I can do is try to help you.

ADHD is a very common thing.

But it’s ok to be different.

It’s okay to have those marbles drop, cause I will be there to help pick them up with you. Until you can do it yourself.

Your a miracle.

And your perfect.

Don’t let anyone tell you different.

Your a kind beautiful soul.

I love you forever!

…how it begins.

Wow it’s been quite sometime since my last entry. Well it helped me stay sober by writing.

I need to focus on my family and kids. I’m been very stressed the last months also since my brothers death, and my grandparents and everything else in my life. Being a single mom as it up and downs. No beach for awhile. Dealing with everything and the monsters. My grandpa being on hospice, my grandma having a heart attack, my brother passing in February. I had one sip….Then one beer…. then another….till I had 4 beers. I’m not like a normal person. I’m a alcoholic. I would love to drink a beer and cut myself off. But it doesn’t work that way….I wasn’t born that way. My biology didn’t work that way. And my choices is why I’m an alcoholic. I can’t have one beer, or even one sip.

I relapsed and I’m getting the help I need again. I need to stay focused. 211 is a life saver. and welfare is a life saver if you ask for help.

Going to meetings. And my classes. I’m going to out patient therapy and hopefully getting program that is suitable for me and my needs. Well it happens to everyone…! I wish it didnt with me. But it did. Depression and anxiety and all the monsters in your head as you sit there and think about past trauma, and the most hurtful break up, and the marriage that your ex just had, he was booked at the same time as me, and he said he wants to give his rights of his son up, drunk as fuck, high as a kite, blood everywhere, while his new wife is sitting next to you, yelling at me saying he hates me, how I ruined his life. The life you once knew is no more!! You know, it hurts, but I think I needed to here all of that. It sucks being depressed and anxiety. Fighting PTSD, and every other excuse why you took that drink…..other then the one you knew along “I AM AN ALCOHOLIC”

When you talked to your best friend, she doesn’t beat around the bush…..

“I feel so sorry for you, cause in your heart you keep on holding onto the hope that the asshole will step up and be there for your son just like Mike stepped up and is there for Dexter.. he’s not Cheyenne stop hoping cause he will never be that man. And your going to hurt yourself even more. Fuck him.”

this… as I sit here realizing what she said. It’s true.

Almost 3 years later I still had that hope. Well fuck that now. Im forgiving myself for all the hope I had left…

I GOT THIS!!

I WILL SURVIVE!

I WILL MAKE DO!!

I WILL SURRENDER!!!

Life that is stressing you out and the grief that you thought you were doing okay with. My stroke, It all hit me at once. I blew a .08 but since I got a DUI before I can’t blow anything.

I went from 10months to 4days sober when I got released and I’m not going to beat myself up. Yes I am disappointed in myself but as I’m looking in the mirror. I know I can do it.

Here to addiction.

And addicts everywhere.

You fall get back up!! Take it one step at a time!!

Sometimes depression get you so hard you can’t even know you depressed, until it’s to late… I love you all. I haven’t been coping well with things right now.

Please do not judge me. I’m being very truthful. I’m not a bad mom, I’m a strong woman, that as been through a lot in her life. And I’m surviving. And asking for help. I know I got this. And I know I will be the best mom if I can get the help I need.

It’s a ongoing battle dealing with the monsters alone I’m very glad and happy that I have people that care for my kids and me.

If you need help in any way all you need to do is ask. That’s to first step in recovery and building you life new. Now I’m 22days sober. This is going to be a long road, but with the help I’m getting, my sponsor, my support system. I can and will be sober!!

TAKE IT DAY BY DAY!!!

Still…dealing with monsters, Single Mommy of two!

 

I wouldn’t think of this or what has happened. But I’m a 27 years old mother of two. Two very loving boys!! But every happens for a reason.

Not today Satan!!!

You can love them, be loyal and respect them, but if they don’t respect you and love you the same, then it’s not going to work. Ive been burned, bruised and I’m still surviving. God gave me a heart is golden and true. But I let people take it for granted. My kids and I deserve to be happy!! And We will be happy!! No one can show to much love. My exs did me over one to many times and I still have mad love for them. But I learned. And I forgave them. But I will never forget what they did. Everyone makes mistakes. But if you choose to learn from them. Then it won’t be the same in the long run. People can change. But they can only change themselves. Don’t think if an over relationship is a lost cause/ misshapen/disagreement cause it not. You live and learn. But I will never go back to my exs… their exs for a reason. Now I Have two beautiful boys, by two dad. One stepped up, and one hasn’t seen his son in 8mo. We broke up cause he basically cheated and did drugs. I tried to keep my family together. For 3.5years with him.  But once I got pregnant with his son. I saw myself running around in circles. I’ve been dealing with my alcoholism for years!!! Trying to fight it… well I started drinking before I got pregnant. I stopped when I found out. At the same time still dealing with the monsters inside my head. My anxiety, my depression, my bipolar problems. Being hormonal. Making me think I wasn’t good enough for my family. How can I even consider having another child after everything I went through. The thought inside my head…and the alcohol made it ten times worse. I Trusted him, someone that I loved. Welcoming them into my family. And living with this fantasy of a family. I wanted it… and I fought for it… he never wanted it. I wasn’t the best person. I have my flaws,But at least I tried!!! We even told his family and my family. In the end after the break up. He told them I cheated on him at the same time I got pregnant. Well. I didn’t. I have never. But like I said everything happens for a reason. See I always heard and thought…. my mom even told me when I was younger. She’s not the best person. But it’s true.

Cheaters always blame the other person of cheating…even though the other person isn’t cheating.. hmmm..never will I understand why…and then person who accused the other person of cheating gets in another relationship. Something is very fishy!!! It’s almost tricky!!! “My love” that’s funny. At least hospin loved her. At the same time. It’s got me thinking. Did you tell the other girl that’s their song… i guess I can say whatever. I’m done. I’m been fighting this. Reasons why did he do what he did…. beating my self up… why did I spend years with him. How can he say our son wasn’t his after everything we went through…I relapsed… still I let him hurt me… Trying to figure it out. I let myself think I was crazy… that it was my fault….why? Why? Keep asking….leading me to never ending battle of my active addiction. My alcoholism. Now I’m getting help. Going to meetings. 1month and 5days I’ve been clean. And I will be clean. My children deserve it. I deserve it after everything I’ve been through.

It’s damn hard being a single mom of two. Yes I do get help. But it’s hard. To be honest if I didn’t get help I would probably still be drinking. I’m loving life now. I don’t have my anxiety my depression. I believe in god, he won’t steer me wrong. So I left the situation I was in. Both my sons. We’re my miracles. I get to see both of them smile. Both them grow up to be strong!! Strong like their mother!! I get to raise them to be honest. To respect one another. To believe in one another. It’s hard financially. I don’t have money to spend on myself. Cause all my money goes to my boys, my bills, rent. As my money should be. When they fall down I picked them up. When they cry who’s there? Me. I proud of them. Your thought they were a burden. Well I will gladly take that burden away from you. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I’m tired… but I’m not weak. I’m stronger, then most. You think being single mom two. Makes a lost cause I’m not. My heart has more love, then most. Don’t feel sorry for me, I chose to be single. Why did I chose to be single? I was raising two boys, I didn’t need three. I get to love my boys more then anyone could cause I’m the mother. That’s means twice as many diapers I needed to change, twice as many days without sleep. Twice as many drs visits, and picky eaters, who don’t want what I cook. Twice as many loads of laundry, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.  Twice as many smiles and laughs, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m doing the best I can, giving what I was giving.

Being a single mother is hard.

Being a single parent is hard.

Being an addict is hard.

Your not alone.

It will never get easy.

Believe in higher power other then myself.

take one step at a time.

 

 

“To the boy….”

To the boy who…Made me a #metoo

Didn’t know No means no. Growing up it was hard enough. Being a younger sister to older brothers. You would think the people who knew your brothers would protect you when you needed. Looked at you like a little sister. Not take you granted. With a pretty face.

Well when I was younger my brothers weren’t here, my mom was gone..barley in my teens you took advantage of me.

To the boy who…

You were someone who I looked to as brother. Who knew me. Seems to me, never really know anyone. You knew me when I was little and watched me grow. Who knew you would do this? You hung out with my brothers as considered me as a sister. Even when skated in my backyard. I looked at you as a brother. Everyone knew you was perfect. You always listen. A good catholic boy. Always played with the neighborhood kids. Came to all the families bbqs. You were cute, all the neighborhood girls wanted to be your girlfriend. Little did they know, you were abusive and thought you could do this.

To the boy who…

I trusted you, I spoke highly of you, Until that day you made me feel like garbage. The scars and bruises, the blood. It reminded me of that day. That day you took my innocence. Feeling so battered and broken, I wanted to say something. I wanted to tell my brothers, that the guy they knew, their best friend, made me feel so worthless. The hurt and pain leaves me so montionless.

To the boy who…

You took something from me, that I will never get back. The days I tried figuring out, why you did it to me? Not the other girls you called sister. The one who was up the street. A little bit older then you. The one around the corner. The one around the block. Why did you do it to me?

To the boy who…

You left me feeling like nothing, numb and forgetting. You made me feel like I wanted to scream everyday. I was scared to say anything. To the boy who didn’t know what no means. I thought you knew what was wrong from right?

To the boy…

Who doesn’t know what it feels like to have something taken, where your lost for words.

Who doesn’t know what it takes to pull through everyday knowing, it happened.

Who doesn’t know how it feels to look in that mirror and pretend you ok.

Who doesn’t need to fake a smile

Who didn’t see the tears

Who doesn’t make an excuse why you can’t trust.

To the boy…

Who will never be a man.

In my eyes you didn’t feel like dying.

In my eyes you never imagined how you can feel.

In my eyes… all I could do is picture you.

In my eyes you will never be a man.

You took something and broke it.

You laughed about it. You smiled about it.

You took my innocence and made it your own.

Claiming I wanted it.

You took something from me that I will never get back..

To the boy…

With many years that have passed. And this I know is true. Here’s to you my rapist, You took the innocence out of my eyes. Your never going to be a man. God have wrath on you.

Sincerely,

the person that you raped

IM A SURVIVOR.

6-6..? We got 24/7!!!

Woke up at 522am always on call!! “Mommy can I have milk” “mommy what’s that” “I love you mommy” “mommy go back to sleep” it is what I do. I take care of my children. I do dishes I help clean house. I take care of sick babies!!! I take care of the dogs!! I take care of lunch!!DINNER!!!! The clothes!! They might be everywhere cause we don’t have a place to put them!! We’re winging it!! We moved to riverside not really having a place!! Expect the clothes we had and the dogs. It worked for the most part!! Moved back cause things don’t work out. People change. People decided what they want wasn’t you. But it only made me stronger. Who can tell me I don’t do stuff all day!!! It’s what it takes!! Beckoning call all day!!! I don’t have time to sit even when I’m sick!! It’s hard!! I play with Dexter, Dae, the dogs I don’t have time for myself!!! Half the time, when I cook Dexter doesn’t want to eat it cause he’s sick or doesn’t like it!!! So I make something else!!!Who can tell me I’m being lazy!! People do NOT know what it takes! To be a single mom. Yes I would love to work. But I spend my work teaching. Being a home maker is hard. I never imagined I would be by myself. But I am. I’m sorry I’m not perfect. But I’m perfect in my kids eyes! People that work 6-6 yea it’s hard, you do shit I can’t do!! But that’s not the issue. WE HAVE A JOB THAT NEVER ENDS!!! that doesn’t make it right to talk down on people that take care of you and the kids for love and DONT ACCEPT NOTHING IN RETURN. I can’t walk away!! My life has changed forever!! And I’m damn proud of myself. Coming up hard. My stroke. The heartbreaks I’ve dealt with, I’m a survivor. That’s goes for everyone. So for all you mommys that spend 24/7 with your kids!! I thank you!! You know what it’s like!! You know what it takes to raise your kids, your toddler, your baby, your children, and still try to clean, make dinner, do dishes!! You know what it’s like to pick up all the toys and it still be a mess, vaccum and there still shit on the floor . Fold clothes and there still more. You know what it takes to makes those phone call and be on hold all damn day!!! Dr visit!!! games!! School!! Shopping!! The scrap knee. And so much more!!! I’m proud of you!! I know what it takes to do your job and be looked down on. To be a mess and cry in the bathroom, if they let you go alone. And I know what it takes to work and still do what you need to do!!! And I’m damn proud of you!!! To take someone and build them up!! To teach them right from wrong!! To just be there!!! Your amazing !! Don’t let people bring you down!! Your doing a damn good job raising your kids, loving your kids!!! DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU YOUR LAZY, DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU, YOU CANT!!! BECAUSE YOUR DOING THE BEST YOU CAN!!! ONE DAY OUR CHILDREN WILL BE THE FUTURE!!! AND YOUR STILL DOING THE BEST YOU CAN!!! SO SMILE IN THAT MIRROR AND SAY “IM IMPORTANT, I CAN DO THIS!!!” Wipe those tears and do what you do best!!! BE THERE 24/7 for the rest of your life. Our children will always need you!!! YOUR THEIR MOM!!! LOVE THEM!!! READ!! PLAY! BE THERE!! And DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT, THEY CANT DO YOU!!

NOW I’m a mom of two!!! And I wouldn’t change it for the world!! I love you both to the moon and back!! The whole wide world!!! And the stars in the universe !!

My First Little Man….

Dear my first little man!

The minutes move to hours and the hours turn to days. Days where I waited for you to come into this world. The days where I wished I can hold you. To see your beautiful face was all I ever wanted!! Weighing 6lbs6oz and 19in long. November 22, 6hours until you were with me and your dad. Even though we not together, we were astonished that you were here! All of your family wanted to hold you and see you. You came into the world, I have hopes and dreams for you. Your the reason I believe in miracles. Your the reason, I’m a mother. Your heartbeat that we heard while you were in my belly was a now a baby. You change me for the better. I’m not perfect, but I need to and want to be. You look at me as superhero. The pride and joy we had looking at your handsome face was all we ever wanted. You mean the world to me, and you mean the world to someone just like you. My first little man, I love you. All the days I stayed up late watching you feed, signing you lullabies. All the teething you did, now has a big smile that all the world can see! All the days I stayed up late when you couldn’t sleep. All the tears I wiped form your face, when you needed me. Now your turning to a little man. All the dirty diapers I had to change, now your a little man. The baths we always used to take, now your a little man.. the 4years that I had were amazing. And I have many more. The way you first started walking. Your first words, now you talk with complete sentences; saying “please and thank you.” We have conversations, arguments, discussions and your still my little man, I love you. Now you mean the world to someone, just like you. Watching your little brother grow, just like you. Dear my first little man, I love you. Growing to be a handsome man. I never knew I can love someone as much as I love you. Sitting here while you plan with your brother being such joy, We’re watching him just like I watched you. I watched you fall and get back up. Your reading story’s to me that I read to you. I love you to the moon and back, as you say it back. I love you in the whole wide world, as you say to me. I love you through the universe and back, as you say it back. My little man just wait, and you will see. How a person can love another human being. Don’t get any ideas yet, please don’t grow up to fast. Your my firstborn, my baby, and always my little man. Now you are an older brother, and your little brother is just like you! My first little man, I love you! Your my back bone. My best friend. Your the reason I’m here. God gave me you. To love and hold. Always going to be my little man.

I forgive you, for choosing “her”….

I won’t hate you, in fact I forgive you.

I forgive you for the pain you left me, because I’m stronger.

I forgive you for the heartache you left me, because I know what love is.

I forgive you for the mistakes you made when you wanted “her”, because I know now it wasn’t us.

I forgive you for choosing “her”, because you were so scared to love us.

I forgive you.

I forgive you, because I choose to.

I forgive you, because you chose “her” over your family.

And I’m strong so that my boys will be raised right. And I forgive you because you gave me him and I will protect them.

I forgive you, because I will teach my sons to love. I’m not broken, because I have them.

The life I use to knew is better now, Because I love them more then you love yourself. And I don’t blame you for trying to be the dad you never had. I don’t blame you for not being able to understand how to love, because you never learned how. And I forgive you, for the sake of my sons, the ones who you chose to walk away from. And I forgive you for the lies and decision you made. To be sorry to have never known the smile on your sons face. To look into your sons eyes and let the shine with the innocents that you forgotten. I forgive you, that Money is tight, and I’m still surviving. I forgive you, because the rent gets paid, bills get paid. I forgive you, I chose too. I forgive you, not that I want to; because my sons don’t deserve me to hate you. I forgive you, because they will never know the hurtful things you did. I forgive you, because I have two sons that will know what it’s like to be loved. I forgive you, because I want them to be happy. I forgive you, because being broken like you; isn’t what I wanted. I forgive you for the scratches and scraped knees that I will fix. I forgive you, because I chose to. I forgive you for the dirty diapers I need to change, and I forgive you when they get sick and I’m doing it on my own. I forgive you for the fevers I need to fight, and the goals they will make. I forgive you, because I should. I forgive you, for the doctors appointments you missed. The hospital visits if the break their arms or leg. I forgive you, for not being there when I needed you to. When I’m sick and still doing this on my own. When I need someone there. I forgive you, when I cry in the shower, because you chose “her” over us. I forgive you, because the addict in you wanted more. I forgive you, for the moments I spent calling the hospitals, the jails, looking for you. I forgive you, for making me into a superhero. I will do this. And I forgive you, because one day you will come, and it will be to late. And I forgive you, because I’m strong enough to realize I’m not you. I can’t hide. I can’t make excuses. I forgive you, because I realize the addiction chose “her”. I forgive you….I want to thank you, because you made me stronger, and I know what like to love unconditionally, and I will forgive you, because they know what it’s like to feel that love, I have.

I will forgive you, for the laughs I get, the smiles I get. I will forgive you, because I need to. I forgive you, because I have two boys at I have to raise by myself. All because you chose “her”.

Fading Away

You know how I wrote “loving an addict”. It’s took a toll about me writing it. It’s the truth now matter what they say. Coming from addiction, a family that’s is addicts, I’ve been around it all my life. I hoped in my heart that it wouldn’t lead to me loving on. I guess in life it’s the only way out is to know how to leave one. Now when I wrote “loving an addict” I was only 12weeks with our son. When I said he walked out. He had a family and he didn’t want to change from doing meth. And be the man I needed him to be. With my 4yr old. And a new baby. I walked out on him. I left him, cause I was done, running around in circles. Digging myself into a whole that I couldn’t get out. Loving an addict was the worst and me being a empath I saw through all the bullshit and knew he could change. I saw better in him. So I still had hope in our relationship. As much as he didn’t…I thought about him everyday…I almost lost our son cause I should have walk away a long time ago. We didn’t talk in months, Until that’s day came. I was in labor. I didn’t even want to see him or even tell him, but I did cause I thought he should know. In the hospital in the room my aunt was there my sister and he should up. And waited in the waiting room tell it was time. I said “please whatever you do don’t show up high. I don’t deserve it, and your son doesn’t deserve it.” Of course… he showed up high… or coming down. I was so stupid that I allowed him into the room, clipped the cord, held him, our son. 18 hrs of labor, he came.

I was blind thinking that he would be clean. I was blind thinking he might change seeing his son. Little did I know. He never wanted to. He there there with me in the room. When I was recovering. December 31 at 630 I was in labor my son didn’t come until January 1 at 1125. And he showed up high. I will spare you the details, in the end I kicked him out of the room… on the 2nd. And didn’t leave home until the 3rd. Week later he see his son. He would come every 3 days to see his son. Coming down… leave again. Come again. Then sleeping here in his car. He always showed up coming down…. then he spanned cause child support. Yelling at me, kids crying, the dogs barking…then my mom kicked him out… haven’t heard form him in 2months, he son will be 3mo on the first. All the hope I have left is fading cause he hasn’t showed me he wants to change. We’re better off without him. At least my sons will be raised right. Who knows he can come around. But the love of a relationship is no more. Cause I don’t have any hope left. See he’s amazing man but loving an addict will be the death of Me. I’m not doing this cause I’m mean. I’m doing this cause I need to protect my kids and myself from the heartache of once was. I changed to be better, I saw though the lies I once believed.

so now I’m a single mother or two boys that I wouldn’t change for the world. I tired of the bullshit I have endured. And I will raise my boys to be right. I will pray for him to get the help he needs. And now I’m closing that chapter of my book. And learning from this. And I will survive. And I will be strong! For my sons!! I can’t hide. I can’t make excuses. And I will let him fade.